“I’m shutting the door to the life that I once knew, to the lies I took for truth, to the life consumed by you…” Closure by Dommin
There are so many songs out there that you can choose from that all show the strength and courage needed to start over again; but this one is my favorite. You may be asking why I would need the reminder; well I’ll tell you…
January 2010, I was married and happy, or so I thought. My marriage wasn’t perfect, but then I don’t think there is a relationship out there that doesn’t have problems on occasion, but we always seemed to work our problems out. I was 35 and it was the night before my 10th wedding anniversary when my husband decided to tell me that he wanted a divorce. He wasn’t interested in working on any of our problems and that for several years he had only been telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me happy. My world had just come crashing down around me. I didn’t find out till later that he had already found someone else. She had the job, the house, the car, the status that he wanted and that I couldn’t give him.
So there I was a 35 year old throw away. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to get up every morning and go on like nothing had ever happened? The answer…I didn’t. I let myself fall apart for a while.
I soon found out exactly how wonderful my friends and family are. They were all there for me, and never let me fall too deep into that pit. I was surprised to find that the friends I hadn’t talked to in 10 years, because my husband didn’t like them, were the first to call me everyday to check on me. If it hadn’t been for them it probably would have taken me much longer to find my way back.
I never realized how much I had given up or changed for my husband until he left me. I didn’t actually notice it until I was standing in front of the mirror one day. I remember looking at the person looking back at me and thinking “I don’t like you.” That person in the mirror didn’t look or feel like me, and the more I talked to my friends again, the more I realized the difference. Aside from the physical differences- I had gone from being a tiny 99lbs to 145lbs with all the aches and pains that go with the extra weight- I had gone from being a strong minded person who spoke my opinion, sometimes even when I probably should have kept my mouth shut, to being a person who never spoke up and didn’t argue. Life was just easier if I didn’t have an opinion. He was always right and my opinion didn’t count anyway. Looking in that mirror I decide that I had reached my limit. One way or another I would get back who I was!
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Author unknown.
Starting over wasn’t easy. Life became about NEEDS and not WANTS. First I needed to find a place to live. Our lease was up on the house we were renting and I couldn’t afford to renew on my own so I moved in with my brother while I looked for a place of my own. Next was my job, I loved what I was doing but I couldn’t afford to support myself on the unreliable hours so I had to look for something else. Finding a place to live was a little harder. I had never known how badly my ex had destroyed our credit until I had applied to several apartments; add in the two large dogs and it was beginning to seem like an up hill battle! Well someone upstairs must have been looking out for me because the same week I got my new job I found a place to live. They didn’t mind that my credit was a mess and the two dogs weren’t a problem. The best part is that the rent is reasonable, much more reasonable than any apartment around here, so what if it’s a mobile home park. Like I said life became about NEEDS not WANTS. I moved into my place the same week I started my new Job.
So here I am; a year later the divorce is final and I’m moving on. It took a little while to get into a new routine, but I did. Life is still more about needs but it’s getting better. My bills are paid every month and there isn’t always enough left over for the fun things but that’s ok. I’m fine with that. I’m slowly losing the extra weight; I’m now down to a much healthier 131lbs and no more aches and pains. I’m much more active than I was, my dogs and I love to go walking the trails around here, except when it’s raining then they both look at me like I’m nuts if I think I’m getting them out there. I’m back to being myself a bit more too. I’m not afraid to think for myself anymore. I voice my opinion when I think it’s called for, and yes I use a bit more discretion than when I was younger. I’m even dating again, nothing serious yet, but it’s a start. I don’t need to go rushing into anything at this point.
Some of you may be wondering why I felt the need to spill my guts about what was probably the worst time of my life, right? Well my reason is simple. I recently met a girl at work who just hired in. She’s in the same spot I was a year ago. She’s a little stronger than I was but she’s still having a tough time with some things. Talking to her one day I realized that at the beginning of my divorce, even though I had so many supporting me, I still felt alone and unwanted. So if I felt that way I’m sure that someone else out there has felt the same way. So here is what I have to say…You’re not alone. I know it feels like your world has ended and that there couldn’t possibly be any way to move forward, but I can tell you first hand that you’re stronger than you think. Say goodbye to the past and move forward. Life is FULL of changes and this is just another one of them. Give yourself time to readjust, you can do it, it won’t happen over night and it’s not always easy but you have all that you need to move on. If I can do it so can you.
After all as Queen sang “The show must go on!”
Besides who knows what is out there waiting…
To all of my family and friends who were there for me and who I know still are; I know I don’t say it often enough…but Thank you and I love you.
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